Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together
at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St.
Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of many
children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands
of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless
families cost-effective health care.” St. Peter replies, “You
may enter” . But, he adds, “you can only stay for three days.
After that, you can go to hell.”
Timing Is Everything.
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!”
The guy replies, “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
“Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain
in New York City, has passed awayat age 65,”
the newspaper obit read. “The funeral will be
held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50.”
The nurse said to the Doctor,
“There’s an invisible man in the wiaitng room.
The doctor replied.
“Tell him I can’t see him now.”
What’s in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. “Hello,
operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary
Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”
“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,”
the operator replied. “Do you have a Street name?”
The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most
people call me Ice Man
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick.
The cashier says to the duck, “That’ll be $1.49.”
The duck replies, ~‘Put it on my bill!”
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That’s one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and
10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over.
Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts,
“My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?”
A soothing voice at the other end says, “Don’t worry,
I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.”
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot
Then Joe comes back to the phone. “Okay,” he
Says nervously to the operator. “What do I do next?”
After a long career of being blasted into a net,
the human cannonball was tired . He told the
circus owner he was going to retire.
“But you can’t!” protested the boss. ‘Where am
I going to find another man of your caliber?”
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had over-run three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will? they reasoned.
Soon, the squirrels multiplied. The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Happy Hour With a Twist
A bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer........and some......... of those peanuts.” The bartender says, “Sure, but why the big paws?”
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bar-
tender says, “You’re quite a celebrity
around here. We’ve even got a drink named
after you.” The grasshopper says, “You’ve
got a drink named Harvey?
A guy walks into a bar and there’s a horse serving drinks.
The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you
ever seen a horse tending bar before?”
The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot
would sell the place.”
Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child.
Things were going pretty well when suddenly
she began to shout,
“Shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
“Doctor, what’s wrong with my wife?”
“Nothing. She’s just having contractions.”
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are
you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for
The panda yells back, “Hey. man, I’m a panda. Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda:
“A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road.
The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the
ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the
street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and rico-
cheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer’s
Friends asked,“How did you do that. The golfer
shrugged. You have to know the bus schedule.”
Not Fade Away
• Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
• Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
• Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
• Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
• Walt Disney didn’t die . He’s in suspended animation.
Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class.
“Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the oppo-
site of joy?” he asked one student. “Sadness,” he replied.
“The opposite of depression?” he asked another student. “Elation,” he replied.
“The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas. The Texan
replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”
Man’s Best Friend
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street.
The poodle turned to the collie and complained, “My life
is a mess . My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an
affair with a German shepherd, and I’m nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” asked the collie.
“I can’t,” replied the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Q. Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A: They have two left feet.
Do you know what you get when
you play a country western song backwards?
You get your job back, old hound dog back,
you get your house back, your wife back,
you get your truck back, .....
A Little Perspective Can Go a Long Way
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner.
The bum says, “Mister, can you spare a dollar?”
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, “If I give you a
dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?” “No,” says the bum.
The man then asks, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it
for gambling?” Again the bum says, “No.”
So the man says to the bum, “Do you mind coming home with me
so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink
How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One . The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest
of the world revolves around him.
Blue Collar Comedy
What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? “Hey, y’all ... Watch this”
Three things you’ll. never. hear a redneck say:
• The tires on that truck are too big.
• I though.t Graceland .was tacky.
• Duct tape won’t.fix that!
You might be a redneck if you think
the last words to “The Star Spangled Banner”
are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
Bob couldn’t believe it—he’d made it to the
last round of his favorite game show. “Con-
gratulations, Bob,” said the emcee. “Just
answer correctly and you go home with five
“This is a two-part question on American
history,” he continued.
“The second half of the question is always
easier. Which part would you like first?”
Bob figured he’d play it safe. “I think I’ll
try the second part of the question first.”
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the
audience was silent with anticipation.
“Okay, Bob, here is your question: And
in what year did it happen?”
Why It’s Important to Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington,
who slapped him and yelled , “How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin.
An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early
Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
“This is not what you promised me,” said Osama.
“Come on, Osama,” the angel replied. “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven.”
Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night,
the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass
gong. “What’s that brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong . It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
How’s it work?” “Watch this,” said the drunk.
He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited.
Someone on the other side of the wall screamed:
“Hey, you jerk . It’s 3:00 in the morning!”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, “This
taste funny to you?”
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
How do you keep a jackass in suspense? I’ll let you know tomorrow!
Church of the Science of God
La Jolla, California 92038-3131
© Church of the Science of GOD, 1993