New Airline Fees

Speaking to live airline booking agent helpfulness fee: $.25 per minute (including hold time)

Online reservation convenience fee: $5

Courtesy luggage-cuddling fee: $15 [1]

No-snooping-through-your-stuff guarantee: $3

Courtesy fee for booking a window seat, middle seat, and exit-row seat, respectively: $10, $5, $15 [2]

Seat-sharing waiver: $25

Use of "courtesy seat" at terminal gate while waiting for plane: $.10 per minute

Courtesy passage through enclosed ramp to plane door: $.02 per inch

Courtesy smile from boarding-pass checker or flight attendant: $1.50 each

Reassuring head nod from pilot or co-pilot: $2.50 each

Seat-back pocket rental fee: $2.00

Motion-discomfort bag restocking fee: $5.00

Courtesy test of flaps, rudder and landing gear: $4.75

Courtesy air circulation fee: $1.50

No-snakes-on-plane guarantee: $3

Rental of light from overhead reading lamp: $0.50 per minute

Water, coffee, tea and juice: $2 each [3]

Courtesy lavatory flush: $3 each

Courtesy fee for not performing a courtesy lavatory flush: $100

Ask flight attendant a question: $1 each

Cone-of-silence rental (mandatory for babies and loudtalkers over 80db): $20

Seat cushion that sinks: $2

Seat cushion that floats: $8

Mid-flight fuel check: $4.50

Landing-at-the-right-airport guarantee: $2.50

Courtesy disembarking fee: $25

Airline CEO country club membership courtesy contribution: $6

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D.U.O Project
Church of the Science of God
La Jolla, California 92038-3131

Church of the Science of GOD, 1993
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