Snake, Shark , & Wolf ... Is the zoo expanding? No, it’s the new law firm just around the corner. Yep, it’s easy to give lawyers a hard time .....until we need one.
Do you know why they’re now using lawyers instead of rats for scientific experiments? Because
1. There are many more lawyers than there are rats;
2. There is no danger of forming any attachment to the lawyers;
3. There are certain things that even rats won’t do.
The other day, it was so cold in Chicago, a lawyer was actually spotted with his hands in his own pockets.
Did you hear about the post office canceling its new commemorative stamp
honoring lawyers? It seems people were very confused---—they didn’t know
which side to spit on.
Natural towheads insist that dumb blonde jokes are the hair-brainchild of jealous brunettes and redheads.
A ventriloquist is doing a gig with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young woman jumps to her feet.
“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she asks. ‘What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being? You should be ashamed of yourself!”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology.
“You keep out of this, mister!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on
Q. How can you tell when a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There’s White-Out all over the screen.
Priest, Rabbi. Minister.
There’s a reason these men of the cloth hang out together—they have the best gossip!
A priest, a rabbi and a minister are in a boat out in the middle of a lake.
The priest says, “I’m thirsty. I’m going to get something to drink.”
So he steps out of the boat, walks across the water to shore, gets a soda, walks back
across the water and gets back in the boat.
The minister says, “I’m thirsty too.”
So he walks across the water to shore, gets a soda and walks back to the boat.
The rabbi says, “My turn.” He gets out of the boat and immediately sinks.
The priest turns to the minister. “Think we should’ve told him where the rocks were?”
A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins. “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his First Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is wrapped in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
It’s no secret—many doctors have a God complex. But surgeons insist we’re wrong . It’s God who has a doctor complex.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey, Doc, look at this engine. I can open it up, take the valves out, fix ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this will work just like new. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money when we do basically the same work?”
The surgeon leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it while the engine is running.”
“Doctor, please help me,” says an elderly patient. “I have silent passage of gas every morning. I have silent passage of gas every afternoon, and I suffer from silent passage of gas in the evening. Sometimes I have silent passage of gas at unpredictable times, for instance just now. Doctor, can you help me?”
The doctor responds, “Sure, I can help you. But first you need your hearing
Former Senator Alan Simpson does not blame politicians for a dearth of
upstanding Congressmen. “About 15 percent of Americans are screwballs,
lightweights and boobs,” he says. “And you don’t want people like that not
represented in Congress.”
Michelangelo and a politician arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter proclaims, “He’s here! He’s here!” and ushers the politician inside as trumpets sound and angels sing.
As Michelangelo follows, the gates slam in his face . Shaken, he knocks. St. Peter appears.
“I don’t understand,” Michelangelo says. “I have served God all my life through my work, and I arrive here and am completely ignored in the midst of the great, tremendous welcome for, of all people, a politician!”
“I’m sorry,” says St. Peter. “We have many artists and religious people in
heaven. But this is our first politician!”
Yes, they still exist, and the best of the bunch could sell bifocals to Stevie Wonder, a bikini to Queen Elizabeth and sunblock to George Hamilton.
A drunk walks into a bar, climbs atop a barstool and screams, “All traveling salesmen are pushy jerks!”
A man stands up and yells, “I resent that remark.”
The drunk shouts back, “Why, are you a traveling salesman?”
“No,” says the man, “I’m a pushy jerk’
It’s not true that most bosses lack a heart. It’s just that they keep them locked up for safekeeping.
A secretary, an assistant and their boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie appears to grant them each one wish.
The secretary says, “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.
“I want to be in Maui, Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of piña coladas and the love of my life,” says the assistant.
And poof! Just like that, he’s gone.
“You’re next,” the genie says to the boss.
He says, “I want those two back in the office right after lunch.”
Even a chestful of medals can’t protect against the sharpest jabs.
Former Secretary of Defense Melvin Laird told us of the time Henry
Kissinger’s limo hit a deer and a farmer came to his rescue.
Once inside his pickup, the former Secretary of State introduced himself,
“I’m Dr. Henry Kissinger.” Impressed, the farmer asked, “Oh, do you work
at the clinic?”
The company commander and the first sergeant were asleep in the field.
The first sergeant woke up in the middle of the night and said, “Sir, look up
and tell me what you see.
The CO, still sleepy, said, “I see millions of stars.”
First sergeant: “And what exactly does that tell you, sir?”
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets,” he answered.
“Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?”
First sergeant: “Well, sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent.”
What’s not to like about bartenders?
They serve you, listen to your gripes and sometimes even tell you when it’s
time to go to bed.
After a few too many, the bartender cuts off a customer . The drunk slinks
off his stool and stumbles out the door.
A minute later, he stumbles back in through a side door and slurs, “Bartender, pour me a drink.”
“Joe!” yells the bartender. “I eighty-sixed you!”
Joe again staggers out the front door, only to re-enter moments later through the side door.
“Bartender, pour me a drink.”
“Get outta here!”
Again, out the front door and back in the side door.
“Hey,” says Joe indignantly, “how many bars do you work at?”
SHARE YOUR OWN, GO TO: rd.com/morejokes.
Church of the Science of God
La Jolla, California 92038-3131
© Church of the Science of GOD, 1993