DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT the high-tech ventriloquist?
He can throw his voice mail.
As she watched her daughter drive away from the picnic area, my friend Nonie remarked, “I don’t understand how teenagers can learn to operate a car.
They can’t even operate a coat hanger yet .“
CUSTOMERS returning merchandise to the retail store where I work are required to attach a ticket explaining why the item is being returned. Sorting through a pile of returns, my co-workers and I came across a flimsy red nighty. The return ticket stated: “Won’t stay on.”
FORMER U. S .C. BASKETBALL COACH George Raveling, explaining how he first got into the game : “When I went to a Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we had just one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees went on the football team.”
BURGLAR: “Ta1k about hard luck. I broke into a lawyer’s house last night, and he got the drop on rue. Told me to get lost and never come hack.”
Burglar’s pal: “You got off easy.”
Burglar: “Easy? He charged me $150 for the warning.”
A FROG telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.
The frog says, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?”
“No,” says the psychic. “Next seinester in her biology class.”
SITTING AT HOME one afternoon a retired doctor and his wife decided to call another couple to see what they were doing . “Oh,” said the other wife, “we’re just drinking coffee and talking.”
The doctor’s wife hung up the phone. “Why don’t we ever do that?” she detnanded. “They’re just drinking coffee and talking.”
“So” said the doctor “make us a pot of coffee.”
Soon they sat with their freshly brewed coffee, staring at each other. “Call them back,” he directed, “and find out what they’re talking about.”
Lucy CONFIDED to her dad that a boy in her class asked her to play doctor.
‘And did you? the father inquired.
“Yes, I did,” she replied.
“What happened?” he asked, worried.
“Well, first he kept me waiting for 45 minutes,” she said. “Then he double-billed the insurance company.
AFTER BEING AWAY ON BUSINESS, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. “How about something like some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50. “That’s a bit much,” said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30. “That’s still quite a bit,” Tom groused. Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
“What I mean,” said Tom “is I’d like to see something real cheap.” So the clerk handed him a mirror.
ON A DRIVI IN THE COUNTRY, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting one of his pigs up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another. The farmer repeated this with a second, then a third pig . “Maybe I don’t know what I rn talking about,” said the city slicker, “but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn’t it save a lot of time?”
“Time?” said the fanner. “What does time matter to a pig?”
ZELDA went to a friendly marriage counselor and pleaded for help. “I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I love him and he loves me. We like the same books, the same movies, the same TV shows. And when we’re not together, we’re both miserable.”
The counselor scratched his head. “Gee, it sounds like you two were made for each other,” he said. “What’s the problem?”
“The problem?’ echoed Zelda. “The problem is what to tell my husband!”
“I’m PARANOID about everything,” says comedian Richard Lewis. “On my stationary exercise bike I have a rearview mirror.”
SISTER MARY CATHERINE died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked if she had any regrets. “It was always my dream to travel,” she replied, “but I didn’t get the chance.” St. Peter said since she’d led such a good life, he would let her visit any place on earth as long as she called him within 24 hours.
Exactly 24 hours later the phone rang. “Hello, St. Peter, this is Sister Mary Catherine. I’m in Rome. I got to visit the Vatican and meet the pope! St. Peter decided again to let her visit any place she chose, as long as she called in 24 hours.
“Hello, St. Peter, this is Sister Mary Catherine. I’m in Paris,” she said the next day. She spoke excitedly of lighting candles in Notre Darne and visiting the Eiffel Tower. St. Peter told her she could have one more chance to travel, but she must call back iii 24 hours.
Three weeks later St. Peter’s phone rang. “Hi, Pete, this is Cat. I’m in N’awlins!”
READER’S DIGEST Magazine
Church of the Science of God
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© Church of the Science of GOD, 1993