Just For Laughs
Psychiatrist: Sit down, Mr Lichtman. Now, what brings you here again?
Mr. Lichtman: People. Stupid people! Doc. I really despair about the whole human race!
Psychiatrist: What is it that people do that ---------
Mr. Lichtman: They’re always calling me--- crazy. No matter what I say, right away they holler I am a crazy! What do you do, Doctor, about such stupid,
ignorant, stubborn people? They won’t listen to a word of truth!
Psychiatrist: Mr. Lichtman, perhaps you ought to start at the beginning.
Mr. Lichtman: Good! In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form and void ...............
An old Jew found himself in a strange place, and when it was time to say mayrev he discovered that he had lost or .misplaced his prayer book. So he addressed the Lord thus: “Dear sweet Lord, I have very bad news for you. I don’t have my prayer book. Even worse, Lord, I have now grown old and forgetful and I never had much of a memory to begin with so I cannot recite the evening prayer by heart if my life depended on it. But, I may have a solution, Almighty One, and I surely hope that it meets with Your approval: I will now call out all the letters in the alphabet, and You, please, put them together in the right way.
If prayer did any good - - - they would hire men to do it.
Oh Lord of the universe: Please take a real good look at Your world!
When I pray, I pray quickly, because — I am talking to God.
When I read the Torah, I read slowly because — God is talking to me.
Even when the gates of Heaven are closed to prayer.
They are open to tears.
Little Lorraine enjoyed pre-school very much. Drawing pictures came quite naturally to her little mind and hands. The teacher wandered around with her encouraging remarks as the little ones all drew. As the picturer commenced to take shape the teacher stopped and inquired how Lorraine was progressing. “Real good.” was the reply. “It’s sure looking real pretty,” replied the teacher. “Just what or who is it? The teacher wondered aloud. “It’s a picture of God!” Lorraine stated.
The teacher then said, “That’s real nice, Lorraine. But nobody knows what God really looks like.” “ Give me a few more minutes.” Lorraine said, “And they will.”
When asked, “Do you think all any of us really want, deep down, is to be loved?” Garrison Keillor responded:
“No, we want to be rich, to be admired, to eat like a horse and be skinny as a snake. To have small children ask for our autographs, to be on terrific medications that make us calm and witty and sexy. To sing Irving Berlin and Gershwin and Porter at the Oak Room and be described in the Times as ‘luminous.’
But in the absence of all that, it’s enough to be loved.”
WWJD: (WHAT WOULD JESUS DRIVE?)
This question has been posed by environmental groups:
If Jesus were walking the earth today, what car would he drive. ( if he got tired of walking?)
One theory holds that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, “God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.”
Dodge pickup trucks were also popular in heaven’s carpool, as evidenced by the warning to Moses’ followers not to go up a mountain “until the Ram’s horn sounds a long blast.”
But most scholars agree that Jesus favored Honda, since it is written that, following his lead, “The Apostles were in one Accord.”
MARKETING FOR BEGINNERS
You see a gorgeous girl at a party and you say to her,
“Hi, I’m very rich. Marry me!” That’s Direct Marketing.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party and you get her telephone number. The next day you call and say,
“I’m very rich. Marry me.” That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
“You are very rich.” That’s Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party and say to her,
“I’m very rich. Marry mc.” She slaps your face.
That’s Customer Feedback.
Despite Jefferson’s policy baffles, there was a playful side to his politics. On New Year’s Day, 1802, supporters in Cheshire, Mass. sent him, as a gift, a mammoth cheese that measured more than 4 ft. in diameter and 17 in. in height and weighed 1,235 lbs. President Jefferson took the pungent present in good humor. Reportedly, he stood in the White House doorway, arms outstretched, waiting for the cheese’s delivery The smelly gift was served to guests for at least a year, perhaps more.
THE SALESMAN at the megastore had only one sale that day, but it was for a staggering $158,762. Flabbergasted by such a massive sale, the manager asked him to explain. “First, I sold the man a fishhook,” the salesman said. “Then I sold him a rod and reel. When I found out he was planning on fishing down the coast, I sug- gested he’d need a boat. Then I took him to the automotive department and sold him our biggest SUV to pull the boat.” “You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?” asked the boss. “Actually,” said the salesman, “he came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife’s migraine. I told him, ‘Your weekend’s shot. Might as well go fishing. ‘
FRED AND BILL are working at the sawmill when Bill saws his arm off. Fred puts the arm in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the hospital.
The next day, Fred visits Bill and finds him in rehab playing tennis. “Wow, ~ the wonders of modern science,” Fred says.
On his first day back to work, Bill saws off his leg. Fred puts the leg in a plastic bag, and to the hospital they go. When Fred pays a visit the next day, he finds Bill playing football. “Wow, the wonders of modern science,” Fred says.
Back at work, Bill leans too far forward and lops off his head. Fred puts the head in a plastic bag and they’re off. The next day, when visiting, Fred finds no sign of his chum. “Where’s Bill?” he asks a nurse. “We might have saved him,” says the nurse. “But some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
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© Church of the Science of GOD, 1993