These are from a book called

 Disorder in the American Courts,

and are things people actually said in court,

word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It’s worth reading to the end!


Those of you who have worked with attorneys will find this very easy to understand. Others will find it even easier.


* * * * * *


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS :No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY :This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory

at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you

that morning?

WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been

involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.


ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, Isn’t it true that when a person dies in

his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,

how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when you picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you please repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)

 was August 8th ?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh...


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant

 to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.


ATTORNEY :Do you recall the time that you examined

the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table

wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?



And the best for last


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for pulse?

WITNESS.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive

when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS :Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,

nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive

 .and practicing law.



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