A GUY WALKS into a bank, points a gun at the teller and says, “Give me all your money, lady, or you’re geography.” “Don’t you mean history?” the teller asks.

“Hey, lady,” the thug replies. “Don’t change the subject.”

                —Submitted by MIRIAM HARTILL

T HE CUSTOMER only wanted half a head of lettuce, and insisted the stock boy check with the manager before denying his request.

The boy approached his boss. “Some old moron wants to buy half a head of lettuce,” he said. Just then he saw that the customer was standing right behind him

. “And this nice gentleman, he added quickly, “has kindly offered to buy the other half.” Later the manager said, “That was some pretty quick thinking. Tell me, where are you from, son?” “Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Really? And why did you leave?” “Because there’s nobody up there but tramps and hockey players.”


“I see,” said the manager. “You know, my wife is from Canada.”

“Really?” said the boy. “What team did she play for?”

                  —Submitted by PETER STONE




ONE DAY a wealthy 75-year-old man was shopping in an upscale boutique with his young knockout wife when he ran into an old buddy of his. Eyeing the curvy blonde bending over the counter to try on a necklace, the acquaintance asked, “How

on earth did an old geezer like you land a wife like that?”

The old man whispered back, “It was easy. I told her I was 90.”

                —Submitted by FIONA GOLI)ING


DID YOU HEAR ABOUT the guy who fell into the machine at the upholstery shop? He’s completely recovered now.

                — JAY TRACHMAN in One to One



The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What is this? A joke?” —Contributed by SEAN MORRISON


WHEN THE PATROLMAN SAW the man speed past, he pulled him over and asked for his license and registration.

“I lost my license after my fifth DWI,” the guy replied calmly.

“I’ll give you the registration, but don’t freak out when I open the glove box because I’ve got a couple of guns in there.

 And if you search the car, don’t be surprised if you find some drugs and illegal aliens in the trunk.”

Alarmed, the cop called for backup. Moments later a SWAT team swept down on the car. The driver was handcuffed as the team searched the vehicle.

“There’s no drugs or guns in this car, buddy,” the SWAT leader said to the driver.

“Of course not,” the man replied. “And I suppose that cop told you I was speeding too.”

                —Submitted by DARRELL ELMORE




STAN WAS TIRED from fishing all morning, so he went in for a nap. His wife, Joyce, took the boat out onto the lake and sat in it reading a book. After about half an hour, the sheriff pulled alongside in his motorboat. “Ma’am,” he said, “I’m so very sorry, but you’re in a restricted fishing area.

“But I’m not fishing,” Joyce objected. “I’m just reading my book.”

“Maybe, but you have all the equipment,” said the sheriff. “I’m going to have to write you a ticket.

“Fine,” said Joyce, “but I’ll be charging you with sexual assault.”

“What?” snapped the outraged sheriff. “I haven’t even touched you!”

“True,” Joyce replied, “but you do have all the equipment.”

                —Submitted by MARILYN BERGFR



JIM STROLLS into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant.

“I’d like a pint of canary-colored paint,” he says.

“Sure,” the clerk replies. “Mind if I ask what it’s for?”

 “My parakeet,” says Jim. “See, I want to enter him in a canary contest. He sings so sweet I know he’s sure to win.

“Well, you can’t do that, man!” the assistant says. “The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!”

“No they won’t,” Jim replies.

“Listen, buddy, I’ll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him.”

“You’re on,” says Jim. Two days later he comes back looking very sheepish and lays $10 on the counter.

“So the paint killed him?”

 “Indirectly,” says Jim. “He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he just couldn’t stand the second sanding.

HEY, THINGS could be worse for you at the office! You could, for example, receive feedback like these comments, purported to be taken from actual federal-employee evaluations reports:

             • “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and

                   has started to dig.”

             • “Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like

                   a rat in a trap.”

             • “Sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.”

             • “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”





A MAN STEPPED onto the overnight train and told the conductor, “I need you to wake me up in Philadelphia. Now, I’m a deep sleeper and can be ornery when I first get up, but no matter what, I want you to help me make that stop. Understand? Here’s $100 to make sure.”

The conductor agreed. The man fell asleep, and when he awoke he heard the announcement that the train was approaching New York City. Furious, he collared the conductor. “I gave you $100 to make sure I got off in Philadelphia, you damn worthless fool!”

“Wow,” another passenger said to his traveling companion. “Is that guy ever mad!”


“Yeah,” his companion replied. “But not half as mad as that guy they forced off the train in Philadelphia.”


 O NE DAY A GENIE appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish. The man said, “I wish you could build me a bridge from here to Maui, Hawaii so I could just drive over there anytime and see my son and Nonie.”

The genie frowned. “I don’t know about that. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said. “Just think of the logistics of your request. he supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, the steel! Why don’t you pick something else a little easier?”

The man thought for a while and then said, “Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women—what they’re thinking, why they cry, what causes their headaches, why they want children. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy.”

The genie was silent for a minute, then said, “So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?”

                —Contributed by LISA PREDERICK

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