AN ANGRY MOTORIST went back to a garage where he’d purchased a very expensive battery for his car six months earlier. “Listen,” the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought that battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”

‘Sorry,” the garage owner apologized . “I didn’t think your car would last any longer than that.”

A DEFENDANT, in a lawsuit involving a large sum of money, spoke to his lawyer. “If I lose the case, I’ll be ruined,” he said.

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” the lawyer said.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“Oh, no,” the lawyer responded. “This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.”

Days later, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the man left the courthouse with his lawyer, he said, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked.”

“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you had sent them.”

“But I did send them.”

“You did?”

“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”

“I don’t understand,” the lawyer said.

“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge,

          but I enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

AN OBVIOUSLY pregnant woman and her husband sat in the obstetrician’s waiting room. The wife looked at a lamp and commented on how lovely it was.

Her husband gave her an anguished look and wailed, “Don’t tell me you’re starting to crave furniture!”

WHEN I WAS YOUNG we used to go  “skinny-dipping”. Now I just “chunky dunk.”

A FATHER, reading a Bible story to his young children, said  “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

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Church of the Science of GOD, 1993
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