NO! - - - Not “I LOVE YOU.”

By: Lynda Schroeder


These three words can start to change our lives forever---—for the better.  They are simple words that can inform those who hurt us no matter their intent.  It is a “notice” statement, without blame or discourse . It announces distress.

OUCH! THAT HURTS!” works well with discounting behaviors. When we bccome aware of how often we are discredited, or discounted, it can be the real new beginning of a shocking, touch-soul-freeing discovery. Our working with just this one interpersonal concept can cventually raise self-esteem and respect levels of all involved. Discounts can damage our psyches and dash our hopes for trusting connections.



We often communicate this way when we want to control others, or when we are afraid, or discouraged from speaking our minds. Discounts can ruin a relationship. Healing them can save it.

If we are from a background where discounts are common, it may take a little time to recognize the negative vibrations they create in our systems.

Some discounting behaviors can include: looking away; sighing; sarcasm; laughing off requests; preaching; teaching when not requested; nagging; assuming superiority because of knowledge, earning power, o r good health; rolling eyes; impatience; ignoring mate’s interests; answering the phone, playing with pets, or turning the TV on when in conversation.



It takes patient repetition, and can work well.


Step 1: Notice when your body flinches, tightens in the neck, shoulders, stomach, hands. This is your body talking to you after you have been discounted. Feel it.----- Your body does not lie. For a couple of weeks, notice when and where you feel discounted.

Step 2: Then, when you can be the “victim” and the ‘observer” at the same time, say, “OUCH! THAT HURTS!” out loud.

Step 3: Turn and walk away!

I know it sounds strange, but there is a very good reason for this:

When you leave the offender’s physical space, silently, it gives  them room to hear the echo of  their comments. This is a good —a real good thing! The discountors may see their error (or their frustrations).

However, do not expect immediate results. Chronic discountors may be unaware of their behavior---—and blame you for being       “too sensitive.” Not to worry....

Step 4: When you take a “hit” again, repeat “OUCH! THAT HURTS!” and walk away, once more. Eventually, the discountor may apologize; and later, open communication about discounting may he possible.

You have now created a new “game,” with new rules that need to be learned.

This is where you can teach by example. When you discount someone, say, “Oops, sorry for that comment,” or behavior. Then, walk away again.

They need space to feel a warm shift of energy in their hearts.

Step 5: Learn to say what you really mean. If you are confused or feel unsafe, consider seeking a counselor or coach to guide you and help you clarify your position.

When we disentangle one caught-up piece of a mobile, the whole thing shakes up and balances itself out. We, likewise, are that interconnected. Just one of us can change the discount “game.”

                                                                                  Lynda Schroeder is an

                                                                                  interpersonal coach.

                                                                                  Contact her at (866) 265-5260.


CONNECT Magazine

Summer 2005 (pg. 15)

4790 Caughlin Pkwy.

PMB 117, Reno, NV 89509.


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