Pepper for your Speeches
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and now her con- tractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child? The doctor asked.
“No, you big idiot!” the man shouted.
“This is her husband!”
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door just went nuts. If as person with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide, is that to be considered legally a hostage situation?
For a moment just think how much deeper the ocean would be if there no sponges living in it. Riddle me this; if a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose? Tell me: Whatever happened to Preparations “A” through “G.” ( I’m really serious. )
Now; if olive oil comes from olives, and I believe it does. Just where does baby oil come from? So; I went for a walk last night, just to get away. My kids asked me how long I would gone. I said honestly, “The whole time.” Now; what is the speed of dark? (Light, I know)
How come you don’t ever hear about grunted employees? And just who has been diss-ing them anyhow? After eating, do young amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? I really wonder, why don’t the manufacturers just make mouse-flavored cat food.?
If you plan to send someone some new Styrofoam, what do you pack it in? I just had four new skylights installed in my place while they were on fall sale. The people who live above me are really furious. Why, tell me why, do they insist on sterilizing needles in prison when they are going to be used for lethal injections?
I really wonder; do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the special Olympics?Is it really true, as they sat that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?Doesn’t seem fair. When a man talks “dirty” to a woman, it’s called sexual harassment. But, when a woman talks “dirty” to a man, it’s $3.95 per minute.
If it’s really tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?Seems to me: Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse.Whose cruel, mean idea was it anyway for the word “lisp” to have an :”s” in it?
Since I admitted above that I know the speed of light— faster than sound, --isn’t that why some people appear very bright until you hear them speakHow come abbreviated is such a long word?If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is really dead?Since traditionally most Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?Why are they called buildings, when they are already built. If they finished shouldn’t they be called builts?
And; why are they called apart- ments, when they are all stuck together?Why do banks insist on charg- ing you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?  

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