LIAR, LIAR

It takes a really, really tall tale to win the annual Burlington, Wisconsin, Liars Club Contest. So tip your hat to Gordon Zwicky, because he’s a worthy champion. In the 2000 annual contest he beat 299 other competitors with a whopper about his trip to Florida.

A neighbor, said Zwicky, told him and his wife, Dorothy, that they’d be just fine as long as they paid strict attention to the road signs along the way. (They weren’t going to be just traveling in Wisconsin, after all)

But they’d driven just 130 miles outside Wisconsin when they saw a new sign that read “Clean Restrooms Ahead.” Two months later they arrived in Disney world, Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

                                                                               —The Christian Science Monitor

A POLICEMAN LOOKED up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 mph. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to drive like that.” “Oh, yeah? Let’s see it.”

The cop looked at the license and then concluded, “Ma’am, there’s nothing special about this. It’s just a temporary license.”

“Look at the very bottom, though,” the woman insisted. “See? It says ‘Tear along the dotted line.’”

               —Contributed by ROCKY MEYERSON

WHAT DID THE scientist say to his stubborn, argumentative clone?

          A:”Why can’t you be a reasonable facsimile?”

                                                                 —Contributed by MARK SOLOMON

WELL, SNARLED the drill sergeant to the miserable recruit doing push-ups in the rain, “I suppose after you get discharged, you’ll be waiting for me to die so you can spit on my grave.

“Not me, Sarge,” replied the recruit. “Once I get out of this Marines I promised myself I’m never standing in fine again.”

               —Contributed by PETE E. MURPHY

OUT IN THE Kentucky hills, you don’t see a lot of people hang-gliding, but Old Zeke saved up and bought himself a brand new rig. He carried it to the top of the highest mountain, took off running and was suddenly, happily, blissfully airborne.

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Hicks were sitting on the porch, when Ma suddenly said, “Pa! That there’s the biggest bird I’ve ever seen in these parts.”

 Pa stood up. “Ma,” he said. “Get my old hunting gun. Ma brought him the gun, and he fired off several shots: Bang! Bang! Bang! But the enormous bird continued to sail silently over the treetops. “I believe you missed him, Pa,” Ma said.

“Yeah, guess so.” Pa replied. “But at least he let go of Old Zeke!”

                —Contributed by DAVID BROOME

 A GREAT DANE, a Scottie and a Chihuahua were sitting in a bar, knocking back a few, when a beautiful French poodle walked in. “Hi, boys,” she said seductively. “I’ll make a very happy dog out of whichever of you comes up with the best proposition using the words cheese and liver.”

The Great Dane thought for a moment, and then declared, “I don’t like cheese, but I sure like liver, and I sure like you too!” The lady just looked away, obviously very unimpressed.

The Scottie immediately followed with, “I like cheese, and I like liver, and I sure like you!” He wagged his tail expectantly, but she ignored him.

Then the Chihuahua stepped forward. “Liver alone!” he growled. “Cheese with me!” They left together. (Try it slowly- you’ve even said it)

A FARMER ON a tractor approached a driver whose car was stuck in a large mud hole. “For ten bucks, I’ll pull you out of there right now,” the farmer said.

“All right,” the driver agreed. After the farmer had pocketed the money, he said, “You know, yours is the tenth car I’ve rescued already today.”

“Wow,” the driver said incredulously. “When do you have time to work on your land? At night?”

 “No,” the farmer replied. “Night is when I have to fill the hole with water.”

               —Contributed by RODRIGO CAMARGO

LOUISE CAME HOME and found Henry stalking around with a fly swatter. “Killed any yet?” she asked.

“Yep,” Henry answered. “Two males and a female.”

“How could you tell?” “Well,” said Henry, “two were on the top of a beer can and one was on the telephone.”

ANY TIME THE ALARM goes off after-hours at the municipal office where I work, the security company calls me at home and I have to go back and reset it.

Late at night I got one of those every so frequent calls. As I was getting ready to head out the door, my husband groggily said, “You’re not going down there by yourself at this hour.” Just as I was thinking, How thoughtful of him, he added, “Better take the dog with you.

                      ~-RUTH RODDICK

TECH SUPPORT people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he’d been a long-haul truck driver. “but I’d worry about falling asleep at the wheel.”.

“Here’s a tip to make you stay awake,” he offered. “Put a $100 bill in your left hand and hold it out the window.”

                      —GREG BOOZIER

I’M AN ATTENDANT in a Laundromat. A woman came in, sat near my counter and chain-smoked cigarette after cigarette. The smoke was bothering me, so I turned on a fan.

“Could you please point that thing in another direction?” she asked. I’m just getting over pneumonia and the last thing I need is a breeze blowing on me.”

—HOLLY SNAPP

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